Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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