Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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