I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
