My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
