sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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