Fine. I'll sleep in my office
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Randomize
