My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
