you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
He felt like a one man threesome
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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