the condom got lost in my hair
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
