I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
