a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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