I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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