Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
