Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
