im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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