Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I'm getting married
To pizza
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
