Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
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