i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
