im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I wish you could order shots online.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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