I'd wear matching sweaters with you
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
