Umm I'm too high to move.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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