I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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