Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize
