Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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