The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
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