The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
It was a blind-side dick pic.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
