Whats the glycemic index on semen?
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
