Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Randomize
