Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
