No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Randomize
