I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
the raccoons are back...
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