youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
