i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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