I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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