Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
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