don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
