alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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