I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
