i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Is Oprah even human
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
