Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
