Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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