If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
