Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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