why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
