I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
