Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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