oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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