Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
where are my eyebrows?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
