I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
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