can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
