The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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