Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
a search helicopter?!
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Randomize
